HOW THE ARTISTS WAY HELPED ME BECOME MORE MYSELF AND MORE AUTHENTIC IN MY RELATIONSHIPS

There are many ways we all learn to adapt to our environment, that is especially so when we are young and don’t have much control over our circumstances growing up.  For me, I was perceived as a “good” and “easy” kid.  My family, for various reasons, had to attend to the different demands of my childhood, and, in fact, I gained quite a lot of satisfaction and validation by being on my “good” behavior, receiving praise for my adaptability, having few complaints and going along with whatever the family’s needs were.  As such, my people pleasing was reinforced and became a source of pride and identity for much of my life growing up. 

However, it is important to recognize we all have needs, feelings, wants and desires.  And a problem arose in my mid-20’s where my habit of putting my needs last became a real problem, creating large amounts of unconscious resentment, low self-esteem and depression.

As a therapist, I believe our task throughout our lives is to learn new ways of being and relating and gently unlearn the survival habits we have learned from our childhood.  And while I knew this, I still was struggling to making this change in my own life.

It was then, when the pandemic was just beginning that I took a book that had sat on my bookshelf for decades so I could find my way back to myself, to capture a sense of strength and empowerment, to finally begin being myself and asserting my needs and wants in my everyday life.

The Artist’s Way written by Julia Cameron, was written in order to help anyone live a more satisfying and creative life.  What I soon learned was, part of living creatively meant addressing all the barriers and walls that could come between me and my creativity This meant deciding where I spent my time and energy, setting boundaries with people, saying no to the things that did not serve me and saying yes to the things I really wanted.  What a dilemma, for someone who so readily thinks of others before herself, to even know what I want and to say no to other people!  I had never asked myself what I wanted before so the first task was to discover what that was.  And the Artist’s Way became the way I did just that.

The Artist’s Way is not just a book to read but a workbook full of exercises. And throughout the 12 weeks, Julia prompts you with multiple tasks and exercises to do what she calls “detective work.”  This detective work helps one discover who we are, or in many cases, gets us back in touch with the person we have always been but may have become buried over the years. 

By asking ourselves questions like “If it didn’t sound so crazy, I’d risk it and make….” “If it weren’t too late, I’d…..”  “If I could lighten up a little, I’d let myself…” which were hard to answer sometimes but over time it opened a doorway for me, to discover things I had never done or it had been a long time since I tried (BTW, watercolor is my new hobby and I am currently studying voiceover with a wonderful and supportive teacher, who knew I would be doing that!) Moreover, it showed me who I really am and what I really care about, where to put my time and energy, and noticing more often opportunities that supported what mattered to me. 

I still am unlearning my people pleasing habits, it is an ongoing journey for me, unveiling the layers, noticing the moments of guilt and gently bringing myself back with the mantra “It is not selfish not focus on the things that matter to me.”  However, I can honestly say the work of the Artist’s Way has changed me for good and I am so grateful for it.

I have received so much from the Artists Way and I want to share it with others.  I am looking to build an AW Group with a tentative start date of February 18 from 1-3 pm PDT and will be offered online via Zoom.  If you are interested please contact me at admin@reneemcmeansmft.com.

HOW MORNING PAGES CHANGED ME FROM A PERSON WHO IS CONSTANTLY OVERWHELMED TO SOMEONE WHO FEELS MORE IN CHARGE OF MY DAY

Like so many of us, my morning routine looked something like this:  I wake up and the first thing I do before anything else is look at is my phone.  And, as a result, from the very start of the day I had feelings of overwhelm take over.  Looking at my email inbox served up attention-grabbing and sometimes emotionally upsetting news headlines, emails from clients and advertisements imploring me to consider this new sweater as the key to my happiness.  And, as I think most of us do, I didn’t think too much of it but I, unknowingly, certainly felt the effects.  Over time I had started to notice by the end of the day I was exhausted and frustrated, my day was taken over by something else and I didn’t get the things done that I had wanted to.  This pattern resulted in feeling envious of others who seemed to be living out their dreams and finding success while I felt rudderless and hopeless, feeling stuck doing the things the day threw at me instead of the things I wanted to do.

I suppose the pandemic, as it did for many of us, gave me a chance to pause and reflect.  I had known about a book that was written in the early 90’s called The Artist’s Way.  It was the recommended book in an acting class I took at the local Jewish community center way back when I was a young teenager.  Shoutout to my magical and wonderful acting instructor in my formative years.  I had read it, not really knowing fully what I was reading but I did know what I was reading was important.  The approach was simple.  Do two things each week to begin and sustain a more creative life:  write three pages of whatever comes to mind every morning when you wake up and schedule a weekly artist’s date.  The artist’s date could be anything, as long as it was fun and, dare I say it, a little playful.  (Some of the ideas that came out of my morning pages were roaming a vintage store, jumping on a trampoline in the backyard and taking pictures of flowers on a sunny afternoon) 

Trust me - the task of writing three pages (which were mostly stream-of-consciousness venting) seemed pointless at best, and I was afraid it was worthless and unhelpful.  In fact, for a long time it was very painful, writing the same things over and over again, my struggles, my fears, my excuses for why things were not happening in my life the way that I wanted them to.  However, something shifted while I muddled through on the page.  And by writing the pages in the morning, it gave me a chance to reflect, to create from the moment I wake up what I wanted my day to look like.  I took a cue from another AW member who gave me a great piece of advice, make a list of what you’d prefer to do that day.  This way, you have a sense of what you’d like to do and if you don’t get around to it, it’s not a failure or a big deal.  So now I am a big fan of writing down “Things I Would Prefer To Do” instead of the usual “To Do” list.  That way, ideas and tasks didn’t just disappear down the rabbit hole of self-defeat.  By making this shift, my tenacity increased too, knowing that I would find a place and time for these other ideas, I just didn’t know yet how it would come together just yet. 

Yes, for this reason, morning pages are meant to be done in the morning.  So that you can inform the day instead of talking about a day that already had happened.  And it has become the best tool I use to make my days and my life better.

There are many other benefits I have received by doing my morning pages, which tells me about the significant impact writing morning pages has really been for me.  This being said, having an increased sense of control and choice on what I do, where I put my time and energy on a regular basis has been one of the most rewarding.  It is for this reason, among so many others, that I wanted to share this process with others, including you if you are reading this.

I will be starting an Artist’s Way Group beginning Thursday, January 6, 2022.   This group will be a supportive environment to help guide you through the 12 week process of The Artist’s Way.  To sign up or for more information please contact admin@reneemcmeansmft.com

WHY THERAPY IS NECESSARY DURING DIFFICULT TIMES

The world is not the same in so many ways with the presence of a pandemic we have not seen in over a hundred years. 

And yet, the world seems to have not changed at all, watching black brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers continue to suffer and die under racial inequity. 

Some days, it feels like an insurmountable task to feel optimism, motivation and hope when the things we want and continue to fight for seem to disappear in the cacophony of hate, racism, fear and chaos in the current political environment we live in.  To say our country suffers from a lack of empathy may be the biggest understatement of our times. 

What we are discovering from what we are feeling and witnessing in our world today, our physical health is only one aspect of our lives.  The fear, the trauma, the loss, the grief, the isolation, the hopelessness of our current times has just as much impact, if not more, to our overall well-being and survival. 

As a therapist, I am aware, too, of the history of psychotherapy.  From the beginning, therapy has been a luxury reserved for the wealthy, the ones who could afford with their time and money to explore the depth of their psyche. Likewise, the founder’s of modern psychotherapy are primarily white, male and privileged.

Moreover, culturally, many of us feel therapy is only something you need when you can’t figure out your problems on your own or are crazy and emotionally weak if you seek out mental health treatment.  However, these stigmas and barriers are causing so many of us unnecessary suffering and pain.  And, the truth is, therapy has the potential to be helpful for everyone and doesn’t have to be expensive or out of reach.

So, how can therapy help you during these difficult and trying times? 

THERAPY GIVES US THE NECESSARY SPACE TO FEEL OUR EMOTIONS, WHICH IS VITAL TO FEELING BETTER AND DISCOVERING HOPE AND MOTIVATION AGAIN

Emotion is important. Emotion gives us valuable information about where we stand, where our boundaries are, tells us what matters to us and areas of vulnerability, hurt and pain that need healing.  However, emotion oftentimes is pushed down or told it is being irrational.  And then, over time, emotion builds up and boils over, explodes or moves inward causing deep depression or explosive (sometimes destructive) anger. 

One of the best ways therapy can help is by giving you a safe space to explore your emotions, feel them, see them, recognize them, explore them, understand them.  Further, to see and feel how life circumstances have affected you, how oppression has showed up and how you, because you had no choice, had to swallow it up or endure it for survival.  A lot of what we are experiencing now is grief on a global and community level in the face of shattering oppression and hate.  It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to scream, it would be strange to feel anything less in the face of what we are seeing in the world today.

Once you discover your emotions in a therapy process, you can then learn new ways of approaching emotion and how to manage it and thereby incorporate into your life more productively and congruently.

THERAPY CAN GUIDE YOU TO NEW POTENTIALS, NEW WAYS OF THINKING, BEING AND CREATING IN THE WORLD

A common feeling, we all may experience during potent times of adversity, is hopelessness.  At the bare minimum we may experience disappointment with humanity and our seeming inability to hear each other and treat each other with care, dignity and respect.  

Therapy can help by guiding you towards the antidotes to paralyzing hopelessness:  identifying the steps you can take to speak your mind and the actions you would like to take to stand up for the things that matter to you most in your personal life and in the world at large. 

Further, as we get clearer about what is going on in the world and how we feel about it, we have the potential to discover solutions to our problems and create a new way of living and connecting.  This is how new systems are created, new societies and new ways of being.  Therapy has the potential to help guide you towards what you want and truly desire for yourself and, as wild as it may sound, potentially, for humanity.

THERAPY LET’S YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS FIGHT

As we are isolating at home for weeks at a time, only reading what the news tells us with sensational headlines, connecting as much as we can without experiencing the in-person, tangible shared experience we need, especially during a crisis, we can wonder if we are the only ones feeling the way we do.

The statement that a therapist is “a person I pay to listen to my problems” is inaccurate and, I believe, a relatively narrow view of the role of a therapist. 

Therapists and therapy can be a vital part of your support system.  We all need friends, advocates, professionals we trust and can rely on.  A therapist can be an advocate, help you take risks or try new things, recognize areas of fear and be the support for you in times of great uncertainty.  You do not have to go this journey alone.  Now, more than ever, therapy can be one of the best ways to take care of yourself and increase your ability to manage problems and challenge adversity in our difficult world.

Wishing you all love, peace, sanity and moments of joy,

Renee

Photo credit: Jakub Kriz

WHY A THERAPIST GIVING YOU ADVICE IN THERAPY CAN BE MORE HARMFUL THAN HELPFUL

For most of us, when we come to therapy for the very first time, we don’t know what to expect.  We have a problem or life issue that usually prompts us to come to a therapist’s couch.  And, it is completely natural and understandable to come to a professional with the hope they have the answers as to what can help us feel better.  And it is part of our job as therapists, after all, to help our client’s live better and more satisfying lives.  But, the question I might prompt you to also think about is, what creates true satisfying change in us that can potentially last a lifetime?

Understandably, in my work with clients there comes a time when the inevitable question arrives. “Tell me”, clients will often ask sometime in the course of therapy, “What should I do?”

In my years of experience as a student of psychology, a client in my own therapy and therapist in private practice, I have learned something quite important; Getting advice, while it can potentially feel quite good in the short-term, can often be the biggest hurdle for anyone in obtaining long-lasting and satisfying life change. 

Why might this be the case?:

1.)   ADVICE ISN’T TAILOR MADE TO YOU.  IT IS OFTEN BASED ON SOMEONE’S PERSONAL OPINION

There are times we ask for other’s opinions, we want to hear based on their life and their experience what they think or recommend.  And while the motivation is completely understandable, it is helpful to remember that it may not be what you need to hear or what necessarily works best for you, even from a professional who is there to help and support you.  It is important in any therapy process for a therapist to understand your particular circumstances and history, understand your emotions/thoughts about the issue you are wrestling with and guide you to the answer within you, rather than provide an external opinion or advice. 

2.)  GETTING ADVICE FROM OTHERS CAN SOMETIMES PREVENT PERSONAL GROWTH

Even I have had to learn in my own life about the drawbacks of getting advice from others, including from therapists. It feels good in the moment and may give us a potential solution to our immediate problems, but it also might leave us more reliant on others and prevent the development of our own tolerance for our problems and our abilities to cope or problem solve.  In my own life, I have found, true transformation and growth happens from developing our own sense of what works for us, what feels right and what our values are and what we want to do as a result of this knowledge.  Part of the process of growing “into our own” means knowing ourselves without the input of others. Good therapy free from advice giving can be a great way to begin and encourage this process.

3.)  GIVING ADVICE CAN DAMAGE THE THERAPEUTIC RELATIONSHIP

As a therapist, there are so many times I wish I could give my clients all the answers and take away their struggles and difficulties.  It can be hard to see my clients wrestle with break ups, losses, divorce, hardship, unemployment…and it can be very tempting to give a quick moment of advice or solution.  However there are many additional problems that can occur if a therapist were to “take the bait”, so to speak, and give the client the advice they desperately yearn for.  For example, what if the therapist gives you bad advice?  Even if it’s well intentioned, what if it wasn’t what you needed to hear?  What if you followed that advice and it ended badly?  It would be incredibly damaging to the relationship with the therapist if this were to happen and this is where advice giving has the most potential for becoming quite damaging to a client in therapy. 

So where do we go from here?  In my experience, most clients find feeling understood, processing their emotion and working their way through a problem with the support and guidance of a therapist to be far more helpful than any piece of advice they may receive. Therapy, at its’ best, can be a wonderful way to discover and grow in a safe, empathic, reflective and guiding space for you to express, explore and discover.  Therapy done this way can potentially create long lasting satisfaction and change that can help you feel and live better.  And, it may be safe to say, it is best to leave advice-giving at the door.

With compassion and love,

Renee

HOW TO WORK WITH DIFFICULT FEELINGS

HOW CAN MANAGE AND LEARN FROM DIFFICULT FEELINGS:

The truth is, one of the best ways to achieve any sort of balance is to know how to manage it when emotions do arise. One way I have learned to approach feelings is a technique borrowed from the wisdom of therapist, Buddhist teacher and author of Radical Acceptance Dr. Tara Brach who uses the acronym R-A-I-N. By utilizing these couple of steps, it may help in increase self-awareness, exploration of feelings in a kind and thoughtful way and pave a path towards a potential understanding and resolution of difficult feelings.

R- Recognize What is Happening

Recognizing starts with tapping into our inner experience. For some of us, we don’t know what we are feeling so sometimes it helps to just start with noticing what is happening in our bodies. We may notice a tightness in our chest, a lump in our throats, a pit in our stomach when we are having an emotional response to something. You can then ask yourself “What is happening within me right now?” Just becoming curious can open the door to understanding what we are feeling and why.

A-Allow Life to Be What it Is

This is giving a welcome mat to whatever feelings may come up for us and recognizing feelings do arise for all of us and sometimes they don’t have or need to have a logical reason behind them. Also, by giving ourselves permission to feel whatever feelings arise can lessen the stronghold of tension we may experience internally. It also paves a way for non-judgmental exploration of what we are feeling and the reasons behind it.

I- Investigate with Kindness

I go with the quote from Carl Jung “Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will rule our lives and we will call it fate.” In order to start the process of exploration and change, we need to explore our feelings in a kind and compassionate way. We can ask some questions of ourselves, such as “What is needing attention right now?” or “What am I believing?” “What does this feeling want from me right now?” You may discover resistance or difficulty in answering these questions. To help with this, attend to the “feelings before the feelings” and thoughts such as “This again??” or “I feel this way and I hate it!” Treat these feelings and thoughts with the same welcoming kindness and compassion and see if that eases some of the difficulty.

N- Non-Identification

We are more than just a momentary thought or feeling and it’s important to recognize you are not your feelings, you are a complex human being with a multitude of abilities, emotions, strengths, intelligence and intuition. And, to remind ourselves that no feeling lasts forever and “this too shall pass” We can also view emotion as an opportunity for learning and growth and not something that is a permanent definition of who we are.

Taking these steps can help us to become more accepting and flexible in the presence of complex and difficult emotion. In addition, we can move through feelings more efficiently and allow for the next feeling to arise and limit feelings of “stuckness.” As with any new idea or practice, it takes time, so be patient with yourself in the process.

With love and support,

Renee

Image: @fairystring

TAPPING INTO YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

In the therapy world we talk a lot about getting in touch with who we really are, using the therapeutic space as a safe place to talk about whatever is on our minds and in our hearts and to discover things maybe we didn’t even know about ourselves so we can gain better understanding of why we do the things we do. 

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Perhaps, because we spend a lot of time not being who we truly are (in order to fit in, to project a desired image on social media or in person) we can begin to lose touch with our authentic self and may find ourselves lost, disillusioned or lonely.  Maybe this is why we turn to therapy as one way to help us find our way back again.

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Ways to Tap Into Our Authentic Selves

Increasing Our Awareness

To begin any process of change, increasing awareness of our choices, our behavior and our internal state is the first step.  What do you notice are the patterns that arise when you are aiming to people please?  What pressures do you feel or that you place upon yourself?  What brings into a state of performing for others?  How can you help yourself be more at ease in your body and mind?

Knowing We Are Enough

Often we feel who we really are is not good enough or even shameful causing tremendous self-judgment.  Remind yourself you are enough as you are and there isn’t a need to push, pretend or change.

Practicing Presence

Being present and mindful can help us understand ourselves, our feelings, our inner experience.  Also, by practicing presence with others, we learn to respond to the moment with flexibility and authenticity.  We also listen more attentively when we focus on what the other is expressing rather than on how we want to respond or preoccupying ourselves with worry about what they think of us. 

As with any new way of approaching ourselves and our way of living and thinking, change takes time. It’s important, as always, to view any process as a process full of learning, set-backs and new learning to be discovered through the set-backs.

With love and support,

Renee

WHY SOMETIMES “DOING NOTHING” IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF

I want to start off by saying I am a big “doer.”  I love doing things, planning what I will be doing in the future and get a lot of enjoyment thinking about what I have accomplished.  For most of my adult life, what I do has been a measure of my success and identity. 

Over the years, I noticed that along with this love of doing things and measuring my success based upon my accomplishments, came a whole lot of pressure and anxiety to constantly be productive or think of new ideas.  Moreover, I started to notice while I might have gotten a lot done, the quality of my work was not where I wanted it to be or I rushed through an idea before fully thinking it through.  As a result, I started to feel like a “Jill of all trades, master of none” which ultimately left me feeling empty and unfulfilled. 

I want to be clear, I am not “anti-productivity.”  Quite the contrary, there is absolute virtue and merit in knowing when to take action and initiating that plan, idea or process.  It’s also important to remember there is value in taking the time to discover how you feel, exploring what really matters to you and how do you want to implement your ideas before acting or making a decision in your personal or professional life.   

Further, studies show that there is value in “doing nothing” or having moments of idle time or boredom.   Ever notice how you get your best ideas when you are driving to work, taking a shower or sitting in a mundane meeting?  When our brain is “in idle” we are giving it space to play, to daydream, to generate new ideas.   In our current world of constant connection to technology via our phones, computers, tablets, etc…we struggle now more than ever to give ourselves an opportunity to be bored, make space for creativity and find moments to tap into our inner experience. 

Is the idea of sitting with yourself and your feelings scary?  That is understandable and actually quite normal.  Sometimes our fear is an indicator that we are coming upon something that is important and authentic and perhaps we can learn to push through the initial discomfort of being alone with our thoughts and feelings and breathe into the experience of personal exploration in order to discover or learn something new about ourselves.

How do we do this?  How do we, in effect, “do nothing?”

1.)   Create the space intentionally and with intention:

Build into your schedule free and unstructured time.  Make this time free from phones, computers, internet and other distractions.  Start with closing your eyes and taking a few deeps breaths.  Focus on your breath for about 5 minutes to allow yourself time to let go of whatever you were doing right before and any worries, fears, thoughts you have moving through your mind.  Set the intention to tap into your inner experience, that you will have this space to come to whenever you need it and you will protect this time as a priority in your life.

2.)   If you need an activity, make it a creative one or one that gets you into your body:

Sometimes having a few things on hand can be helpful, perhaps have some pens or pencils and paper handy to sketch, journal or color.  Another ideas is to play music that gives you enjoyment, peace and connection.  (I personally enjoy piano or violin music) Finally, if you feel the desire to move, allow yourself to dance or take a walk somewhere lovely.  The idea is, something that allows for freeflowing creativity, space, safety and comfort and isn’t work-related and cannot stir up any feelings of worry or anxiety.

3.)   Don’t judge or censor yourself:

Often we have an inner critic or have internalized others messages to us that tell us what we are doing wrong or give us reasons to beat ourselves up over mistakes we have made.  Let go of any judgments of this time and what comes of it.  There are no expectations of what happens, only that you hold the space and become curious of what arises in you.  Allow yourself to express freely on the journal page, in the dance movement, on the canvas, in the daydream. 

With time and patience, your comfort with empty space will increase and some find they actually welcome and look forward to this time as it gives them a greater sense of connection to themselves, helps to improve their relationships, they notice increases in creativity and new ideas and gives overall meaning and enrichment in their lives.  Time doesn’t always have to be scheduled with something to do, the path towards transformation and peace can be to sit in moments of emptiness and space.  You may find there is plenty to discover in the “nothing”

Warmly,

Renee

HOW ACTORS CAN BENEFIT FROM THERAPY

As an artist, you encounter very specific challenges in your life: dealing with creative blocks in your work, handling the uncertainty of when you will get your next job, the subjectivity of the entertainment or creative industry.  How can therapy help with this?

It’s understandable to have feelings of anxiety, doubt or worry about your career in a creative field.  As a former actor myself, I remember the feelings of uncertainty or self-doubt that would creep in before an audition or casting.  And in the moments in between auditions, I would question my abilities or my place in the industry and wondering if I am a fool for pursuing my acting dreams.  Part of what can help is talking to a therapist about your thoughts and feelings and fears.  It can feel relieving to talk to a licensed professional about how to manage your fears, recognize when they are real and when they are a moment of self-doubt.  By acknowledging the fears and talking about them out loud, it can also lessen the impact they have on you emotionally and help you to make better decisions for yourself.  It is best to make decisions that are well thought out instead of from a place of fear or insecurity, therapy can help you discover what you truly want for yourself in a congruent and thoughtful way, giving you more confidence and increased self-worth.

My high school acting teacher was one of the most impactful people in my life and I will never forget the sign posted backstage: “Leave it at the door.”  However, there can be times when life happens and, understandably, feelings can get overwhelming and take over, making it difficult to leave our life’s problems at the stage door.  If we have experienced a loss, a recent break up, a sudden death of a loved one or an injury that leaves us unable to do the things we love to, we may experience feelings of sadness, depression and grief.  Therapy can help process these feelings in a safe and supportive environment and help you to work through the complicated feelings of grief and loss.  Therapy helps to heal in a healthy and productive way and may help with also identifying ways to cope and get the support you need during this difficult time.

Finally, it is a vital part of any actor’s process to keep your creative life alive.  Creative blocks can creep up for any actor and sometimes it’s helpful have a plan to cultivate your creativity.  Talking through barriers to your creative self can be a way to work through these blocks.  With a therapist you can identify what helps you cultivate creativity and rediscover a space where your creativity can grow and thrive. 

I hold a tremendous amount of respect for actors and artists who pursue their dreams of expression and storytelling.  It is a true joy for me to work with artists and provide healing support to so you can continue the wonderful and important work you do.  I feel now, more than ever, storytellers are needed to bring light to the oppressed and silenced.  I would love to be a part of your creative journey.

If you feel you may benefit from therapy, phone consultations with me are always free. 

With love, joy and compassion

Renee

DATING SMARTER: HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT PARTNER AND NOT JUST THE PARTNER FOR RIGHT NOW

1.)  LEARN TO HOW TO BE ALONE AND ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY

We know the feeling, the fear of being alone or that we will always be alone and never find the right person.  And perhaps it’s been a long time since you have been in a relationship, building the evidence of a single life with no partner to share it with. 

It’s understandable to have moments of doubt or worry.  However, by letting these fears take over and dictate what you do in relationships, you could end up in a less than desirable partnership or stay in one that isn’t healthy for you.

By learning to be alone and enjoy your own company, relationships become more of a choice.  You are more free to be with the right kind of partner when you can decide whether you want to be in one or not. 

How do you go about this? Perhaps it starts with an exploration of the things that bring you joy and fulfillment.  What did you love to do as a kid or teenager growing up that you have long since forgotten? What ways can you begin to do things you once loved before being in a relationship took over? 

You can also do solitary things that are enjoyable to you:  Set up a date for yourself that includes your favorite movie and some take-out, lose yourself in a novel or spend the day in the park or local garden.  The important thing to remember is, you are a whole and lovable person whether you are in a relationship or not and can do things that feel good, even when we are alone. 

2.)  FIND THE QUALITIES YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP/PARTNER AND THOSE THAT YOU DON’T

I remember something a girlfriend of mine told me when I starting to date again after my last relationship had ended: “The good stuff is easy, we can find something good in any relationship.  It’s the not-so-good that you need to look at.” 

Each relationship we have is an opportunity to discover what we want and what we don’t want in a relationship.  And, it’s important to know what our relationship deal-breakers are, the things that we know we can or cannot tolerate in a relationship.  You need to ask yourself the question “If  ______ didn’t change or he/she stayed exactly as they are now, would I be okay with it?”

When we discover the things that are not working (and the things that do) try to apply what you have learned with each new person you meet.  Do you see things in this person you would want in a partner/relationship?  Do you see anything that would be a deal breaker for you?  Do you see yourself with someone like this person?  Ask these questions before embarking on a romantic path, this will set you on the course for finding the right partner for you and eliminate those who are not.

3.)  KNOW IF YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP YET

Sometimes we are recovering from heartbreak and haven’t fully gotten over a past relationship. There is no judgment in being where you are and it’s important to work through the feelings you may be having and not try to push ahead.  Know if you are ready to be in a relationship, let others know honestly where we are rather than lead them on and process your feelings before launching into dating or your next relationship. 

Sometimes we find the idea of finding that person we want to commit to is overwhelming or a little scary.  Exploring the reasons for the fear, sometimes with a licensed professional, can be helpful.  Sometimes we find that we prefer being alone.  Sometimes we find we do want a relationship but are afraid of risking our hearts and putting ourselves out there again. If you do want a relationship, it is possible to break the cycle of dating people you don’t consider “marriage material” or the person for the long haul.  Slowly open yourself up to people who actively demonstrate genuine caring and interest in you, start to see them or identify those in your current circle who meet this criteria and notice how you feel on the inside when you are around them.  You may find yourself feeling safe, calm and at peace and that feeling you may not to want to let go of, breaking down those fears and worries about commitment. 

4.)  KNOW YOU ARE DESERVING OF A LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP (AND IT’S NOT WORTH BEING IN ONE UNTIL YOU DO)

Sometimes we may feel we don’t deserve a loving and supportive relationship.  We may carry narratives that if someone were to really know us, they wouldn’t like us, let alone love us for who we are (and dare we say it, commit to being in a long-term relationship with us!).

Sometimes it’s wise to take a look at where these narratives come from and to begin a practice of self-love.  You have a right, by virtue of you being on this planet, to love and be loved.  You also have value.  Further, you have tremendous gifts to give the world and potentially a partner and it’s important to know and recognize who you are and what you have to give. 

By beginning a practice of self-love, we not only demonstrate to others that we are deserving of what we want, we also become our own biggest ally and, quite frankly, if we have ourselves we are never alone.

With care and support,

Renee

3 WAYS TO INCREASE TRUST IN YOURSELF (AND LOVE YOURSELF) MORE IN 2018

What I often talk about in therapy with clients is the importance of building trust in yourself and avoiding, what I call, “self-abandonment.”  This can happen when put others needs in front of our own, when we talk ourselves out of our understandable feelings, when we fight against our gut instincts that tell us this is the wrong thing and when we judge ourselves harshly for the decisions we make.  When we do this over and over again, we can lose trust in ourselves.  Self-abandonment also compromises our belief that we will be there for ourselves when making decisions or what happens in our lives.  The good news is, we can take steps to build trust in ourselves and make decisions that are more in-line with what we really want.

1.) APPROACH MISTAKES WITH COMPASSION AND AS A NECESSARY PART OF LEARNING AND GROWTH

True confidence and competence comes through hard-work, receptivity to feedback and steady discipline over a period of time.  Mistakes are a necessary part of growth as they give us an opportunity reflect and improve.  We can be told hundreds of times what to do however the best way we learn is through experience and practice.

Knowing this, we can give ourselves the freedom to make (and even welcome) mistakes.  Further, we can approach mistakes with compassion towards ourselves, as we know it is an essential part of our personal growth.  Sometimes, I will stop myself from self-judgment by asking “If this was a close friend of mine going through the same thing, would I be as hard on them as I am on myself right now?”  More often than not, we grant a lot more compassion for others than we do for ourselves and we deserve the same treatment we would give a trusted friend or loved one.

2.) SURROUND YOURSELF WITH OTHERS WHO SUPPORT YOU

The most valuable commodities we have are our time and energy.  People who are negative, who criticize your efforts, who become competitive with you or dominate your time with their problems can compromise your confidence and ability to grow.  Who we surround ourselves with has a huge impact and it’s important to identify who is truly on your side and supportive of you and your goals.  This may mean learning how to identify people who are good for you and letting go of those who are not.  By doing this, you send yourself the message “I value my time and energy, I deserve supportive people in my life and I have the right to decide who is in my circle and who is not.”

3.) KEEP THE PROMISES YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF

One of the things that can cause the biggest feeling of self-abandonment is not keeping the promises you make to yourself.  For example, we may socially over-commit ourselves time and again when we told ourselves we really needed the time to recharge or we may have committed to spending less time with a toxic friend, only to reach out to them for coffee the very next day.  By doing these kinds of actions, you are sending the message to yourself that your needs don’t matter.  This, in turn, can invite in feelings of sadness or low self-worth. 

The more you keep promises you make to yourself, the more validated and stronger you will feel.  Be your own best friend and talk to yourself in a loving and kind way.  Change your inner monologue to one that is compassionate and an advocate for your needs.  By doing this over time, it will help increase your mood and your confidence in a helpful and healthy way.

Starting a process of implementing these 3 things will set you on a path towards decreased anxiety and depression and increased trust in yourself.  Don’t expect perfection, be gentle and generous with yourself.

Wishing you love and light in the new year,

Renee