There are many ways we all learn to adapt to our environment, that is especially so when we are young and don’t have much control over our circumstances growing up. For me, I was perceived as a “good” and “easy” kid. My family, for various reasons, had to attend to the different demands of my childhood, and, in fact, I gained quite a lot of satisfaction and validation by being on my “good” behavior, receiving praise for my adaptability, having few complaints and going along with whatever the family’s needs were. As such, my people pleasing was reinforced and became a source of pride and identity for much of my life growing up.
However, it is important to recognize we all have needs, feelings, wants and desires. And a problem arose in my mid-20’s where my habit of putting my needs last became a real problem, creating large amounts of unconscious resentment, low self-esteem and depression.
As a therapist, I believe our task throughout our lives is to learn new ways of being and relating and gently unlearn the survival habits we have learned from our childhood. And while I knew this, I still was struggling to making this change in my own life.
It was then, when the pandemic was just beginning that I took a book that had sat on my bookshelf for decades so I could find my way back to myself, to capture a sense of strength and empowerment, to finally begin being myself and asserting my needs and wants in my everyday life.
The Artist’s Way written by Julia Cameron, was written in order to help anyone live a more satisfying and creative life. What I soon learned was, part of living creatively meant addressing all the barriers and walls that could come between me and my creativity This meant deciding where I spent my time and energy, setting boundaries with people, saying no to the things that did not serve me and saying yes to the things I really wanted. What a dilemma, for someone who so readily thinks of others before herself, to even know what I want and to say no to other people! I had never asked myself what I wanted before so the first task was to discover what that was. And the Artist’s Way became the way I did just that.
The Artist’s Way is not just a book to read but a workbook full of exercises. And throughout the 12 weeks, Julia prompts you with multiple tasks and exercises to do what she calls “detective work.” This detective work helps one discover who we are, or in many cases, gets us back in touch with the person we have always been but may have become buried over the years.
By asking ourselves questions like “If it didn’t sound so crazy, I’d risk it and make….” “If it weren’t too late, I’d…..” “If I could lighten up a little, I’d let myself…” which were hard to answer sometimes but over time it opened a doorway for me, to discover things I had never done or it had been a long time since I tried (BTW, watercolor is my new hobby and I am currently studying voiceover with a wonderful and supportive teacher, who knew I would be doing that!) Moreover, it showed me who I really am and what I really care about, where to put my time and energy, and noticing more often opportunities that supported what mattered to me.
I still am unlearning my people pleasing habits, it is an ongoing journey for me, unveiling the layers, noticing the moments of guilt and gently bringing myself back with the mantra “It is not selfish not focus on the things that matter to me.” However, I can honestly say the work of the Artist’s Way has changed me for good and I am so grateful for it.
I have received so much from the Artists Way and I want to share it with others. I am looking to build an AW Group with a tentative start date of February 18 from 1-3 pm PDT and will be offered online via Zoom. If you are interested please contact me at admin@reneemcmeansmft.com.